About three years ago, I was invited to meet with an organization with a very common complaint: “we don’t work well together.” This was a small company, and everyone seemed highly competent and engaged in their work. People got along. I looked for deep, simmering conflicts, and found none. Yet, too often, people worked alone when they should have worked together. They tended to wing it, even when relevant skills and experience could be found in the same room. Not surprisingly, there were consequences: deadlines were missed, budgets were blown, and customers were frustrated. After many interviews and discussion, I discovered the root of the problem:
Nobody asked for help.
That case stands out in my mind because it existed in an otherwise happy, healthy workplace, but this “excessive individualism” is pretty darn common. If we take a moment to reflect – on other’s behavior, never our own! – this becomes quite clear. My friend, executive coach Tom Laughlin (caravela.us) certainly wasn’t surprised by my story, noting, “The primary model that we use in building community is based not on people’s willingness to give help, but on their willingness to ask for help.” In fact, there are generally many more people willing to help than to ask for it. At the very core of community is a shared willingness to support one another. That means that community members must also be willing to be supported.
Let’s admit it: asking for help seems risky. We feel like we understand our own capabilities and motives, but we may question those of others. Asking for help can also make us vulnerable. Nobody wants to seem needy. Everybody is so busy with their own stuff. To make matters worse, we tend to embrace a myth of rugged individualism: we identify with the “Lone Arranger,” the individual achiever, the solo hero. Asking for help seems far from heroic.
Excessive individualism certainly results in sub-optimal performance. Perhaps the greater shame, though, is the lost opportunity to connect with others. Working together builds relationships. How many great friendships have been forged while working on common projects? As one grizzled (oops, I mean, “seasoned”) project manager observed, “I’ve turned adversaries into allies just by asking them to help me out. I had to trust them a little first, but then we grew to really trust one another. Someone I once considered almost an enemy is now one of my closest friends, and it started when I absolutely needed her help on a work project. Asking wasn’t easy, it kind of sucked, but it really paid off in the long run.”
‘Nuff said.
Take a risk that pays off: reach out to others and ask for help, early and often. Chances are, you’ll do better work, and have fewer strangers in your life. You will also help others to contribute and to connect in meaningful ways. What could be more heroic?
Great reminder Chad. In my case, being stubbornly independent is often seen as a good thing for a person with a disability. Yes, and no. We all bring strengths and weaknesses to relationships and work. While sometimes work groups can be challenging and my bias is to just do it myself when things get rough, when groups work it can be pretty amazing.