At a recent seminar break, a group of parents clustered around, all with kids in those middle grades, 5-8. Many of those kids are being picked on in school. Because I do a preponderance of the talking during the seminar, I try to listen quietly during the breaks. What I heard was fascinating.
First, one dad said that his kid was getting beaten up at recess, behind a backstop and a snowpile, where nobody could see. The kid’s mom called the principal, and the area in question was roped off the next day. Problem solved? Nope. Shockingly enough (to some adults anyway), playground scuffling is a fairly mobile activity. But, when he talked more with his kid, he found out that the kid was actually provoking the challenge, and while he wasn’t being aggressive, he was certainly inviting confrontation, and didn’t mind the conflict or the outcome. He was just telling stories, and his parents reacted.
Another mom chimed in with a very different story: daughter was being singled out for ridicule by two specific ringleaders, who pressured other kids to stay away from her or risk ridicule themselves. Her daughter, a top student, didn’t want to go to school.
These parents were very upset. One dad was out for bully-blood, angry with both schools for anemic responses. A mom disagreed: “There’s nothing we can do anyway,” she said. “It’s kids being kids, and we are just making it worse by meddling. The bullies will win every time.”
People were gathering around us. Another mom offered her story: “my son gets picked on because, well, because he is kind of nerdy. I’m trying to teach him to be cooler and to fit in better.” The first dad jumped on that like a lion on a staked goat. “NO!,” he almost shouted. “You’re blaming the victim. You just need to teach him that he’s being treated unjustly, and that it isn’t a reflection on him. Don’t teach him to change. Teach him that he’s wonderful the way he is.”
Sometimes, shutting up yields rich rewards. These responses say at least as much about their advocates as they do about the situations at hand. These days, a drive to “stop bullying” is informed, at least in part, by reported incidents where horrendous violence was perpetrated by the victims of chronic peer abuse. Since time immemorial, parents have wanted to make life easier for their kids than it was for them.
Kids can be mean – not unlike adults. Among school and youth-centered communities, we see increasing awareness and important, valuable programs to prevent bullying and abuse. All these parents offered wisdom, though: we do need to insulate our kids from the damaging effects of bullying, and yet these challenges can offer opportunities to learn resilience and maybe new skills. Abusive behavior must be curbed, and yet we must also care for abusers – who are kids, too – helping them grow while teaching accountability for behavior.
Childhood is complicated, which makes it the perfect preparation for adulthood.
